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Who is this SQRL?

After a series of life-altering experiences, I chose to turn my back to the darkness that seemed to follow me and take a path toward the light. 

Now in my 50's, I recently discovered that like 15-20% of the population, I'm highly sensitive - which explains...a LOT.

I believe we create our own reality, as well as the blocks that keep us from achieving our dreams. My research and experiences have taught me many things and I hope sharing that knowledge will inspire others to embrace their unique qualities and become more comfortable in their own skin. 

 

I'm eternally grateful to the people that helped me through my darkest days and plan to spend the rest of my time here paying that kindness forward. For I truly don't know where I'd be without that support.

Every day I hope I can make a small difference in someone's life, be it through art, writing or just a smile at the supermarket. Something that seems insignificant to us can have a huge impact on someone else.

So...How the hell did you get here?!?

 

My path in life has not been an easy one. I've battled anxiety, depression, loss and the substance abuse that often goes hand in hand with them.

 

I've spent a lifetime feeling like an outsider; searching for a place where I fit in. I didn’t understand what I was feeling and withdrawing into myself was the only way I could keep the fluctuating emotions under control. All I knew for sure is that I was different and preferred to spend time alone reading. And I read a lot.

 

My subjects of choice covered a wide spectrum of psychological and metaphysical topics; witchcraft, magick, mediumship, spirits, abnormal psychology, personality disorders and true crime. I loved to read about what makes people "tick" because for the life of me I couldn't seem to figure it out by interacting with them.

 

Since a very young age, I've had a fascination with what happens to us physically, mentally and spiritually when we die. For years I thought it was just a twisted, morbid fascination, but as it turned out, I was preparing myself.

 

In November of 2006, my brother passed away very unexpectedly from a heart attack at age 41. He was my only sibling and my world was immediately turned upside-down. He was my rock; the person who was supposed to be by my side for the rest of my life and he was gone.

 

My dad was diabetic for as long as I could remember. He also had high blood pressure, thyroid problems, prostate and bladder cancer - twice AND survived a fall that broke his neck in 2 places that doctors said should have paralyzed him. I thought he was indestructable. But in August of 2012, he too died from a sudden heart attack.

 

A year and a half later, I lost my Mom. She and I spent the last year of her life trying to beat her esophageal cancer. She had finished her chemo and radiation treatments and all looked good! But at her follow up they discovered that a fistula in her esophagus was causing aspiration of saliva and what little she was eating/drinking and that turned turned into pneumonia. After 3 weeks of ups and downs in the hospital, she lost her fight. I was blessed to be by her side. It was the most wonderfully horrible experience of my life.

 

We don't realize how much of our identity is defined by the people in our lives. No longer a daughter or a sister, I realized that I had no idea who I actually was. I felt betrayed and abandoned. All the confusion, unworthiness and self-loathing I felt when I was younger flooded back with a vengeance.

 

The better part of my 40's was spent trying to find meaning in any of it. I mean, what was the actual POINT of any of this?

I wish I could tell you that I found all the answers and can now tell you that THE MEANING OF LIFE IS...  But I can't. No one can.

Be cautious of anyone who tells you they (and they alone!) can lead to you enlightenment. They are snake oil salesmen who are taking advantage of people for their own personal gain. I encourage you to question everything and follow your gut. If it doesn't feel right to you, it's usually isn't. Only you can recognize your own truth. Trust yourself!

A few years ago a friend introduced me to the Diamond Approacha modern-day spiritual teaching combining ancient spiritual wisdom and modern psychology. It's core practices of presence and self-inquiry continue to guide me through a lens of my personal experiences to a deeper understanding of my self. Why I act and react to things the way I do and who I am at my core.

 

It's intensely personal work and is not for everyone. But if you're a workshop-a-holic that has spent years looking for "answers" like I did, I highly recommend you check out Diamond Approach online for lots of free information, videos, blog posts, etc. to see if it resonates with you.

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